Less Shitty Second Draft of P1

After waiting for an hour, I finally stood up, straightening my black belt. I introduced myself to the kids and all of the parents of the (hopefully) future black belts. I faced the yellow belt, Bella, who was about to present her pattern, and felt my heartbeat quicken and I felt sweat rolling down my back as I looked out into the crowd of family members and friends. The foam mats felt cold under my feet, and the silence of the room was drowned out by my heartbeat in my ears. I cleared my throat and tried to think about what I was going to say before I said it. I start to talk…and I choked. My words got caught in my throat before I could stop it and I struggled to get them out of my body. I heard the stutter before it was even happening, watching the people’s faces contort in confusion and amusement. The crushing weight of embarrassment was overwhelming, my face turning red as I took a deep breath and finished directing the girl. My armpits were sweating, and my hands were clammy as all get out. Bella had a slight smirk on her face, but she began performing her pattern nonetheless. I sat down, gladly giving Bella the spotlight in the room and simmered in my embarrassment as she did her thing. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders when I saw everyone’s attention redirect over to her and what she was doing. I looked over to my instructor Mrs. Howard and she motioned for me to take a deep breath and to calm down a little. She smiled at me and nodded, assuring me that everything was okay and that she was proud of me. As Bella’s pattern came to a close, I stood up again, my face still flushed, and patiently waited for her to finish. I closed her pattern for her, keeping my eyes on Mrs. Howard to keep me calm and directed her to her seat, all the while praying to whatever is out in the universe that I wouldn’t trip over my words and stutter again. Before Bella sat down, she stopped, and turned to look at Mrs. Howard. She opened her mouth, and I immediately knew what was coming. The same thing that always happened. From elementary school to high school, ridicule and public embarrassment always followed after a stutter of mine. This time was no different, except it was a six-year-old delivering the blow. “Can you tell Ms. Anderson to talk normal? It sounds weird when she talks like that.” Then she sat down just as merrily as she had stood up, not seeming to notice that she had made a public mockery of me seconds prior. I was grounded, and utterly mortified. I could feel my heart trying to rip itself out of my chest, and I could feel all eyes on me. I was more flushed than before and I tried my hardest not to look at anyone and Mrs. Howard stayed quiet, moving on from the situation to try to get the crowd’s attention off of me. I also tried not to get up and punch the little squirt in the face. At the end of the event, I watched all of the kids bow out and leave the floor to go to their families. Mrs. Howard walked over to her office door and called my name for me to follow. She shut her office door behind us and sat me down. “Heidi, you know you will never be judged by me. Bella is just a young girl who doesn’t quite understand certain situations.” I nodded and listened to her and fought the urge to cry. She explained how proud she was of me, for facing my fears. She asked me how I felt about what happened, and I told her I was fine, because I didn’t want to think about it any longer than I had to. “Heidi, you don’t have to lie to me about how you feel. You know I support you and I would never judge you for things you cannot control. You should be proud of yourself for facing your fears. What Bella did wasn’t right by any standard, but there’s so much more to you than your stutter.” I nodded and let her finish talking to me. But as I stood up to leave, she stopped me. “Hold on, stay right there.” Next thing I knew, Bella walked into her office, and Mrs. Howard followed closely behind her. Bella sat down, not looking very happy. “Bella, we need to have a little talk with Ms. Anderson. What you said wasn’t nice, at all and it was disrespectful to her. Ms. Anderson has a speech impediment, where sometimes her speech isn’t as smooth as ours. While she may sound a little different than us, she is just as deserving of respect as the other instructors. Do you understand?” Bella nodded and kept her head down. “Ms. Anderson deserves an apology for what you said to her.” Bella looked like she would rather get ran over by a bus. Still, she looked at me and apologized quietly and quickly and stood up, asking if she could leave. Mrs. Howard granted her permission to go after looking at her for a second. I thought my time in her office was done, but she had a different idea. I stood to follow Bella out the door, but Mrs. Howard closed the door before I could slip past her. I saw Bella walk out of the building, and she probably went home and forgot about the whole thing by the next day. But it was a monumental moment in my life. “You can always talk to me Heidi, about anything. I will always make time to listen to you and offer my advice to you when you want it. My door is always open to you, and I never want you to feel like you are anything less than amazing. No one should ever make you feel like Bella felt today, you don’t deserve it. You have an amazing life ahead of you and several goals that I have no doubt you’ll reach. I will always stand up for you, if you ever feel like you can’t yourself. I will always have you back.” I nodded, and we both stood up. She hugged me and smiled as I left her office, feeling better than I had earlier in the evening. I took a deep breath and went to my car where my parents were waiting. “What did Mrs. Howard have to talk to you about?” I looked at my dad and sighed “She just wanted that girl to apologize to me and wanted to tell me how she has my back and how I can come talk to her if I ever need to.” “Oh, that was nice of her. You know, she really likes you. I’m glad you have someone like her to back you up in there, for when we aren’t there.” I nodded towards my mom with a small smile and looked out the window as they pulled out of the parking lot, watching the building fall into the distance.